The eternal undead amaranth

Ok im gonna post a normal post. since ppl say my post abnormal and stufff...

First up was podium camp......im glad ppl found it fun. Had the personal pleasure of dunking J1s in pails of pink-flour-water.......... =DD
and scaring them in nightwalk.... seeing them shitless....
=DD

But seriously. What Miss Ni said made me wonder....... perhaps whether i had been geared towards solutions all along but more of why i hated the CCC ppl so much because of that.

1) Couldnt wait 5 secs for our J1s to get out of locker area before taking their stuff...
2) reminded repeatedly but din care less, just switched on the lights whenever they wanted
3) Took our glowsticks as if they were public property, despite reminders of an ongoing podium nightwalk (know how many J1s lost their way?)
4) MAKING A RACKET....SWITCHING ON ALL THEIR LIGHTS....dispelling the darkness with their raucous laughter in the middle of our nightwalk, RIGHT BESIDE OUR ROUTE.
5) The Podium had shifted the whole route for them, for their welfare. We stepped aside for them: and they had to step on our toes and mindlessly scolding a J2 for dropping his metal stick, ( which did make a racket, but it was a one-off thing. experimental).

I mean like, it was more like such behaviour IRKED me from the deepest depths of me.
Ppl who know me know that i have near zero tolerance of people with an overwhelming sense of selfishness, self-centeredness and hate people whoe lives orbit around them selves.

So much for being titled: COMMUNITY CHAMPIONS COUNCIL.
Bunch of self-deluded do-gooders fools worthy of (fill in the blanks Felix).

Ah wells, maybe i was too tired that day..thats all.
But all in all, it went quite well,Ryan din seem to need my help at all.
So it was quite slack on my part.... as if i was the one attending it ...

Chacko threatened to tell the whole lecture on Wednesday abt Science and technology and frame me with all sorts of rumours, lies and controversies cause i wanted to make him Ryan's sister and call him Auntie Cherry.

=P. hope the whole Podium reads this.

But then i'd be soo dead wldnt i?
haha.

So....dragging myself home after the camp, and fell asleep at 4pm.....to be awoken at 6pm and dragged off to my cousin's party which she reminds me 1 month before =.=.

ended up going there watching 10-15 year olds play pool, aiming anywhere but the 6 holes that score you a ball. (k lah...some of those were aimed)

then i challenged my 30(arnd there) yr old cousin to a pool game.
She trashed me =.= and i managed to avoid doing her forfeit the whole night (singing).

ahh... you could say it was a waste of time...with me being soo tired......
ended up drinking like 5 half-cups of red wine........ and feeing slightly tipsy.
sigh. I cant hold my liquor can i?

and reached home...... guess what.
Soo tired but couldnt fall asleep.
@$&)%&@)$)@_

Well, that was my friday and saturday.......see ya ppl.

undead withering eternal

Wish i had an Angel ...
and kiss while your lips are still red..

SONG:Wish i had an Angel

if you cant view, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6M19uaDaJE .

Wish I Had An Angel (Once)

I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I'm in love with my lust
Burning angelwings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight

Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside an innocent heart
Prepare to hate me fall when I may
This night will hurt you like never before

Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder

I wish...

I'm going down so frail 'n cruel
Drunken disguise changes all the rules

Old loves...

I Wish...

Greatest thrill
Not to kill
But to have the prize of the night
Hypocrite
Wannabe friend
13th disciple who betrayed me for nothing!

Last dance, first kiss
Your touch my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts

I wish...

undead withering eternal

Well first things first.
The Dreamer:

I dedicate this to R.M.H.

and I'm sorry.
Because I was everything i should never have been.
And i feel you can understand by now, why i may always hate myself.
The Child was bawling and Nightmare raging.

Just a person who wanted simply to do this right. He got stressed, so he did some stuff recklessly.
And i was lost in my own sea.

So, in the emotionally confused world of mine and from all i heard, this was what he appeared as,

[An authority figure comes in with equal skill/expertise with every one.
He firstly, tells me and by team mates(not that hes not one) to back down.
He does it with another group of people, running the show altogether.
He 'bragged' about his achievements and tries to justify his actions.]

But all he did, was try to put it running on schedule.
And that i believed.

But why wont you listen to me?
Why must you run everything? why cant you just trust me?

We needed your help, and you just... ran away.

And got yrself in conflict with others, who did not want it or appreciate it.
I dont understand why you said the things i heard you said.
Yet you would never tell me everything.

From the start of this term you had treated me like an enemy.
Why?

I dont know. You know how lost it can feel, when you finally decide you should rely on your friends and they vanish, turn their back on you, or ue you as a sacrificial tool.

I have got mounting problems on me.
Going home everyday, my only respite is hoping to see my cousin, who seems to be the only one thats close at hand.
But its so close yet so far.
He too is lost in his own life.
My other friends, seem to move on.

I'm sorry, my friend.

Ever since the Child kinda 'died'. I have been irrational... more than i ever been.
Its true. I dont have much self-esteem.
I want to feel appreciated.
I just want life to rush past me.

Yet its just a dream.
I just wan to leave. Screaming in this walless pit. I have so much future burdens, so much past burdens and today, trying to live for only today, yet it cant happen.

i AM SURE YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.
I dont need you to forgive me anymore.

Keep this in your heart.
I just dont want to lose a friend whos this beautiful.

Someone who can understand how beautiful or what love really is.
Not just romance, but general life and love for fellow people.

I dont know why you hate me.
I just hate why you dont tell. I hate why noone tells.
I hate why people leave others behind. I hate why people feel they can override others.
I hate why people think they are the only one that matters.
I hate myself. I cant get rid of thiese all too human flaws.

Like rods stuck in my skin, in my heart.
I cant pull them out.

Maybe you could teach this lost child.
Who tried to grow up too fast while still young. Got lost,
lost his heart of love, consumed by hatred and self-defense and stuck in time.

Please,
because to me, you are the more beautiful people in the world.
Just as everyone i call friend.
Doesnt matter why i get angry at you.
I will always love you more than i will hate you my brother.
ok?

undead withering eternal

I dont know...i just really like D.Grayman's newest OP.

Gekidou by UVERworld

Ohhh....fight!
Baby...you are like the moon...

Your wary and sharpened eyes, didnt match your worned out phrases,
You're now just a copy of someone else.

Spark! It disappears ...
and now
we have to borrow the tiger's threats to make it through
With hope instilled in me...
I will win this...

The best fight of the last age, in the dark of night.
We are now at its first stage
I shall not lose, shall not relent
Trying to survive, but
I cant fight them down.

Having lost sight of the sun
I looked for the matching face of the moon ... (familiar eh)

Losing sight of the things we once saw before...
We begin to drown in the sea of our memories
So why!?
Have our vows turned into just wishes, just another tool,
the next passport?

Never alone! I hear the eternal voice again!
Beating to the Heart's instrument
Never alone! To the Heart's instrument,
lets listen!
Never alone! I hear the eternal voice again?
When will it reach my heart?
Never alone!
Our shining point,
again!

-end-

As i said.... a song is as how the listener hears it.
this jap song had some sucky subs to it. It is not accurate but well,
it is as i hear it.

undead withering eternal

This will be a very long post. Make sure you have the time, or patience, to read this. I am VERY hesitant to post this. Those who really want to know, can ask. But there are some, i cannot give answers to, for different reasons, especially the first gaze.

The First Gaze:
A boy stared at the sun as he grew old. Its warmth, ever so distant, its piercing light, but he could not move his gaze away.
So enticing, yet so torturing. How he yearned for a moon, so that h would never need a sun.
Finally, he catches sight of the moon. Huge, overpowering his senses, it looms bigger, and bigger, and bigger and bigger, and crushes him beneath. Gosh, why did he ever look at the moon. So alluring, so cooling, almost for a want of embrace, yet equally distant.
A boy who wanted to be distracted from the Sun, had found the Moon.
Now the boy hungers so much for either, he just wishes, he could live in darkness once more.
The night wasnt that bad. If not for the demons that lived within, he would have stayed in it forever and ever and ever. Now he wishes he had and cant go back.

At least the boy has begun to lose sight of the sun due to the moon.

The Reminiscence:
(ali and Ryan have seen this. i seem to have unconciously thrown away that paper)
I used to love the common person, but now it seems distant. Locking my self up was a big mistake, living as a child, as my rage grew, my negative emotions grew so strong they began to overpower the child.

All the self-centered feelings i tried to reject...have grown into nothing short of a monster, a Nightmare, that coerces the Child, and woken the Dreamer. The ironic self-proclaimed bringer of happiness to us all.

Is there no place for pure concern or love in this world?
I struggle but cannot fight against my own inclinations, my own human weakness. My emotions wrestle me in an iron clad grip, forcing me into acting like the very model of what i hate deeply.
If i cannot win this struggle, i cannot ever expect others to do so .... anymore.

Drifting thoughts:
Drifting thoughts of my different voices.The lyrics are not exact. The song is as the audience hears it.

I'm sorry i cant pen it anymore. here are all the quotes to what i feel inside....roughly anyway.

"Unbreak my Heart! So i can love again...."
-Unknown

"Oh how i wish, for soothing rain... oh how i wish to dream again.My loving heart, lost in the dark, for hope i'd give my everything"
-Nemo

"For the heart I'll never have
For the child forever gone
The music flows, because it longs
For the heart I once had"
-For the Heart i once Had

"Search for beauty, find your shore
Try to save them all, bleed no more
You have such oceans within
In the end
I will always love you"
-The Poet and the Pendulum

"Bring me home, or leave me be. My love in the dark heart of the night .. "
- G.L.S.

"Take me kill me cure me bring me home, everyway , everyday, just another loop in the hangman's noose ... ... I keep on watching us sleep."
- G.L.S.

"Redeem me, into childhood.
Show me myself without the shell.
Like the advent, of May, I'll be there,
when you say:
Time to never hold our love"
- G.L.S.

"Its not monsters under your bed, its the Man next door... That makes you fear, makes you cry...makes you cry for the Child"
- Dead to the World

"Save yourself a penny for the ferryman! Save yourself and let them suffer. In hope, in love, this world aint ready for the Ark."
- Planet Hell

"What greater gift, could i get to feel alive? Than the power of love in your eyes?"
-The Power of Love

"I wish for this night time to last for a lifetime...the darkness surround me...the shores of a solar sea...Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you"
-Sleeping Sun

"For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime"
-Sleeping Sun

"Ever felt away with me? Just once, thats all i need. Entwined in finding you one day.
Ever felt away with me? My love it felt so deep...
Ever dream of me?"
- Everdream

and last but not least:
for the friend who sent this to me:
"For the Light, for the Love, for the Truth in your eyes. I am grateful to have such a friend by my side. For the tears, for the love, for not asking me why~"
-Song For You

undead withering eternal

I cannot let it happen again.

Not one more time.

It horrifies me, the mess and all the trouble it will take me through.

It will be SUPPRESSED.
and i will remove it at its root, before the problem can even start.

Thank goodness i have uncovered it, though quite by accident.

BTW the vid below ...the man in purple is God. its a video about worldly distractions

undead withering eternal