it brings back so many things i have avoided. similar to the feeling of facing the jury when they take out all all the skeletons in your cupboard.
skeletons? both hated, endeared and lusted over.
and do not attempt to attach your common meanings of lust to my words.
after all, lust simply denotes my hungry, greedful desire of things too beautiful, even to the point of driving me maniacal. Probably not sexual in nature.
the maddening lure, to what you want, but not yet achieve.
yes, it is proper grammer.
oh how troubled, tangled i feel, after yet another failure today.
I cannot stand failing, especially when i have people looking to me to succeed.
I CANNOT DISAPPOINT THEM.
yet i did.
It brings out the utmost hurt i had ever felt.
I wished i could cry. Yet my own soul wouldnt let me.
Out of the abyss,
my own voice floats back.
"Eric,weep NOT over your failures. Never weep for yourself, not any longer. Stand up, and pull out their limbs, one by one, for YOU are stronger. You know you are."
"Pull out their limbs Eric, PULL OUT THEIR LIMBS."
Nothing could justify my own statements.
But i clung onto them, absorbed in the want for dominance.
I lust for dominance.
yet the irony, i weep for those crushed beneath it.
I never wanted to crush others. I just wanted to dominate.
But yet i see that with such a awant, comes an inevitable crumbling of the life of another, no matter how peacable you make it.
Then someone else came along, told me: " Humans simply deserve to burn."
But i had come to beleive that: "Some of them should just be ruined, and incinerated. And I shall do it. They bring too much harm to others. They have no aim for existence."
However, when i finally work my way there, i have not once, executed the only and final blow.
I couldnt do it. And never can.
I cannot bear myself to bring such harm to others.
and the friends i have. I can safely say all of them, have turned their back on me at least 3 times, and only one 3 times, the rest simply a multitulde more.
I would never forget what they did.
BUT YET I STILL CANT FIND IT IN MY HEART TO HATE THEM,TO FEEL ANGER AGAINST THEM, OR ANYTHING NEAR IT.
I end up hurting them the same way they hurt me. The angst bottled up, which i refuse to let out, breaks free and hurts the people i love most.
The continuum of the vicious cycle.
I never seems to stop. But yet it seems that i am more loyal to my friends than any of them, are to me. It would hurt much more when i vent a little stress on them.
All these accumulate, causing more discomfort within me, which I, am clueless about.
Perhaps now i understand.
Or i never will.
And the hurt i feel, when i am never able to be what i expect myself to be, seems overwhelming. it has become such a major obstacle for me, blocking every single task i do. I know the limit of my capabilities, but the fucking damned distractions EXERT SUCH A FCKING STRONG PULL, my weak soul cannot help against. I end up losing all my focus, and i have FALIED every single science teacher and my english teacher, in my secondary school.
Why? i wasnt supposed to get B3 for every of my science subject and my English. I have failed them, myself and social expectations of me.
And such tangled feelings, compiled with unhappiness,sympathy, religious teachings, too much random thinking has really messed me up.
I forgot what i wanted to say. The very sight of my mother irks me and makes me forget my thoughts.
goodbye now
undead withering eternal