Argh, wtf. I am in a strange mood today. Maybe cause Its 2.05am and i am sleepy.
Well ok. I was born a very energetic person ok? Alot of you probably agree, cause thats was my original personality. Preserved by what i will explain later. Ok...where to start................
I was in pri. skl. pri 1&2 St. Gabs. Well, apparently my mom got pissed i cldnt get into 1A. Like wtf? its the kindegarden exam leh. anyway, my mom was always pushing me. The prob with me was. Im not the type of person to be 'pushed'. I was like, unhappy against it. I got caned often etc. Well, it had a kind of stupefying effecton me. I marvel at my mind. It thinks up solutions for me, not to be affected by pain. But sigh, the mind's short term goal.
Then well, I was bullied in pri skl. Cause i was too like, talkative or something, and offended GimSeng, the apparent smartest in class, with his 2nd in class side kick, Kok-*something*. Well, wierd how young minds work eh? You best at academics, u get power and might and....
etc. etc.
ok well, basicly they chase u around hitting u with whatever they have. Almost half they class chased moi and 2 frenz. well, my amazing mind, apparently, *sarcastic here*, blocked out all negative emo and i actually thought it fun. But now, i know better.
well then worst thing. my mum, din bother.
all she did was when, i called her during recess to tell her i was hiding. Then she finally cared.
Well, Perry (my cousin), was leaving due to bullying too. His mother withdrew him. So my mom did too. She actually asked me if i wanted to stay. Retarded question. Maybe cause i looked HAPPY? is there anything wrong?
when i reached my new skl, i cried. Now i think it was because deep-down inside, i was afraid of rejection.
ah. BUT I HAD A GREAT PRI. SKL LIFE. So happy. The onli time i felt truly happy actually. Truly blessed. Ah, calm before the storm then. Well, thanks to allwho made it possible.Or else, i might have a split-personality like someone i know, and trust me , u dun wan that.
well, i was stupid. I left FTP, left my best friend of all, left everyone i ever cared for, to reach Maris Stella. LIKE, WHY? Stupidity in the highest. Why then was i so stupid?
aha, it seemed that, the mind-block i auto-installed into my mind was like URGH. Irremovable.
Worsened by my mother then. You know the feeling when u are forced to study rite?
A trapped feeling. It worsens my blur feeling, often present to keep the wholeness of my soul alive. Like dun scoff ok, i dun think i could have beared it if i stayed in st. gabs. Crumble, without my shield *or so i think of it as a shield*. My mom went like sayin, study study study, regardless of how i felt. And whenever she not satisfied, like handwriting abit too messy, SCOLD. well, argue and u get caned. Well, despite that, i managed to enjoy my pri skl. Well, i dun wanna insult my mum more here, so lets just say i gave u an undertatement. This mini-block bluriness thing hinders my ability to be aware of other's emotions, slows down my mind (abt 10 iq points) and actually stops me from being sorry for others, hinders empathy. I become like a dumb, happy, human shell. Abeilt one who is super tolerant of insults, cause their meanings dun sink in.
Then sec 1....how to begin? I was badly mocked cause i retained my youth. Any ignorant person wld have sworn i was 10, when i was sec 1. But most of u already know it. Do you know marists are actually prejudiced against it??? Then i got a nickie for my bluriness thing. Eric Gong Gong, typical eh? Then came EGG (ericgongong), icecube, golfball etc. Nothing penetrated, i spent the year happy, though it was all a lie. Once i tried to fight back, then the DM heard of it, i got punched by dad for it. So, i never learnt to defend myself, downtrodden.
Then sec 2 came and went.
Sec 3 september. Confirmation approaching! Was kinda shaken by that idiotic book (da vinci), so well, prayed and prayed and prayed. well, prayed for wisdom; i got it. It wasnt anything wise. Mindblock just suddenly partially-lifted for 2 whole months, though, i admit, was quite enlightening. The turning pt in my life, and will always remember it as such. Yea, that was one of the reasons i managed to twist my personality away from my destructive path. My bluriness like came back. But sure, as soonas i forgot about God, i realised that the mindblock thing was never meant to take my sorrow away, but simply to delay it. It is like, a whole blow. A cleaving scythe, slammed into me, forcing me to scream soundlessly, making it worse. AS NOONE WANTED OR BOTHERED TO. Well, i may not have like appraoched many of you but i wldnt be able to, if u catch my drift. One form of explainin would be to say, if i was so capable to be able to reach out to my lesser(sorry) friends, i wldnt be in my plight. I am no strong and independent soul.
i never learned to fight, to defend myself. But i swear to defend others. I am almost lost. My soul is too weak. I cannot fight. It will degenerate further.
I just want people to understand ok? I never meant to be so irritating. My actions, in more way than one, is out of my control. I am so sorry all. I will remedy this. I must, or i will remain in sadness upon memories, upon which i depend to break my mindblock.
Sorrow is the only vice i could find to break my protection. With my sorrow, my mind becomes free. Its such a wonderful feeling, to feel in control of your life, to regain a sharp mind, to obtain my *in a way* half-sanity. Maybe Perry will undertand now, the real me lies within mists. You have never 'met' me. My voice is muffled. Sorrow breaks my bonds.
I hate this. i hate it all. My youth was preserved though. Without pain, nothing can thrive. In sec 3, i opened the window. I realised, i was 12 year old at hear, all along. And now the block is lifted, i cannot stand the pressure. 12 year old told be be mature! told to be 16! i cannot stand it. Constant rejection reigns within my class room. For 3.5 years i suffered, pain in one blow. It brought me youth, thy fountain within me, but with it brings extrme unhappiness. I cannot fight back. And for now, i can only plead for your empathy. Kicked around like a ball. Morethings have happened 2 me, nasty ones. But understand that i do not want pity, just acceptance. At least i found a helping hand. A fellow in need. I gotta help him form back into one personality. I fear for his future. I must help. My needs may be inferior, but nothing inferior makes it less important, a fact some fail to understand.
i gotta put my mind blocks back in place. In the midst of constant songs laced with tears, my soul slowly rots. I realise i cannot live without this fountain. I have a beautiful poem i wrote on it, perhaps one day i ight post the 600 word poem here.
Gosh. Its 4.15 am. I have to serve mass at 6.30 am u know! Oh yea that reminds me. rejoined the altar servers u know. regrettted leaving How could i abandon God like that? My needs are insignificant, compared to his.
Well, i gtg then. I do remove mind blocks now and then, like twice a month etc. I gotta concentrate to remove it more and more often, for i need my intelligence *oops* to study. Sigh, but tat means i gotta cry.
Yay! i'm learning french!
undead withering eternal